How important is it to you that people like you?
I know that is quite an opener this week, but be honest with yourself. To what extent does the good opinion of others matter? And more importantly perhaps, whose opinion of you matters the most?
Why do you need to be liked by that person?
Of course we all like to be liked, that is normal human behaviour. And I think it is a useful motivator in our character growth – behaving in ways that bring depth and fulfilment to our relationships and that we want to model to others.
But it is a useful way of checking in with ourselves to stop and ask whose opinion of us matters the most.
It might be in a work context. Being respected and valued by the boss and seen to produce high quality work is important for doing a good job and our own sense of motivation and achievement. But is also a noteworthy part of climbing the career ladder and being seen favourably for work advancement.
Wanting to be liked because of what we stand to gain from the other person is a more subtle and insidious subtext that we are not always happy to own up to.
So it is an interesting exercise in self awareness if we are able to ask these questions honestly and really pay attention to the answers:
Think about the person or people whose opinion of you matters most.
What is it about their opinion that really matters?
What role do they play in your life, and to what is their approval linked?
And perhaps importantly, what would happen if for some reason, they did not like you?
How would you feel, and what would you lose? What would be the impact of that?
This in and of itself is plenty of food for thought. But this ties in with genuine people because
genuine people do not need to be liked.
This is according to an article I read recently and on which this series is based.
It made me stop and think. Of course it is nice to be liked. And it is important to behave in a likeable way, not because of what you stand to gain but of what you want to give.
But being liked can become something of a drug, a need. This ties back to what I was musing on last week about not seeking attention.
This is about security in our values and confidence in our behaviour. Genuine people know who they are and they know what is important to them, and this affects how they present themselves.
I was talking with a client recently, and covering this very topic. This person has a strong sense of self and personal fulfillment. This sense of self allows them to seek to use who they are and what they can do to help and empower other people rather than simply pleasing them.
We all know people pleasers. They seek approval of others and bend to the whims and needs of other people to gain their approval and to ensure they like us. But a strong sense of self in a genuine person allows one to help, serve and give without being walked all over.
It says:
I can do what I do as the person I am, with kindness and integrity, and if you don’t like it, that is ok with me. If you choose to not like me, that does not rock my self worth.”
So this week, stop and pay attention to the how you want other people to percieve you. When you notice a need to be liked, stop and ask yourself why. What is under threat? And what changes can you make to build your own sense of self?